New Year

Happy New Year to you all. May this year bring you much love, good health and happiness. I’m especially thinking about all those I know who are struggling with ill health, hardship or loss. They are painful journeys, but I hope 2019 will give you some light and hope. 

I will be walking in to 2019 without two very important people beside me. They were two of the most loved people in my life. They fought hard; they made a huge difference to many people’s lives; and they have made me the person I am. 

I started walking this path six years ago when I lost my much wanted and much loved son, Isaac. 

This particular path has been rocky, enduring and full of twists and turns. At times, my feet have dragged. I’ve stumbled. I’ve fallen. I’ve been stopped in my tracks, many times. Why go on when the one person you want to share your journey with isn’t there? It’s been lonely and dark too, especially at the beginning. I was blinded by grief for a long time. I pushed people away. I didn’t want anyone else beside me. It felt like it would be easier just to stop rather than to carry on and take a step forward.

But I’ve found the strength to some how keep plodding along. At times I’ve seen light ahead of me. I’ve had help and support from people who’ve carried me on and led the way. They have been the light that has guided me through those dark days. They are my husband; my friends; my family; my doctors; my counsellors; my mum. And when they couldn’t help, I’ve resorted to using crutches at times to get me over a few bumps in the road. For a long time I refused these crutches, but eventually I accepted they’ve been needed, finally. 

There’s even been moments of hope; the most important was when a rainbow appeared. Bright and beautiful, this aurora of colour has made the steps a little less painful and taught me to feel happiness again. Even when the sky is foggy and grey, this rainbow full of love and hope has been my salvation with it’s rays of colour shining through; leading me in the right direction. I owe this rainbow so much. 

I’ve accepted that this particular path will never end and I will have to continue the journey along it forever. However, as I keep going I have found that there are now moments of happiness, exciting adventures and lots of smiles, despite what the path became six years ago.  And when this path comes to an end, Isaac will be there too. 

However, this year I’ve lost my most important guide along the way. The woman who has picked me up and held my hand many, many times. The woman who I turned to whenever I grew tired and weary. The woman who taught me to walk the path I’ve been given head on and keep going, no matter what. My mum. 

There are so many times I have wanted to reach out to her when i didn’t  know where to turn. I miss her telling me it’s all going to be okay, then pointing me in a clear direction. Mum was like my moral compass. She helped me learn to navigate my world and educated me in the right turns to make. 

Mum is not here to help me finish this journey but I still hear her in all I do. I know that everything she taught me will lead me where I need to go.  And I know she’s gone ahead to look after my boy. 

So, I will walk tall in to 2019. I will continue to navigate through this journey I’ve been given, with it’s highs and very sad lows. And I will hold on to the rainbow, the light and the hope that I rely on to guide me in the right direction. 

Whatever journey you are on, I wish you all a year that sees you finding light and hope where ever you can. And a year where you have the support and love of others to guide you through the good and not so good times.  

Happy New Year. ❤️

Captured

Since I’ve had my daughter I’ve been obsessed with taking photos. Every new outfit she wears requires a photo. Every time she does something for the first time, I need a photo of that. There are moments where I see her taking pleasure in little things like blowing bubbles in the garden, or playing at being a doctor with stuffed teddies- that needs a photo too. In fact, I have over 5000 photos of my daughter on my phone alone! I try to pass off the photo taking as a hobby, but really I know it’s bordering obsession. The walls in my house are slowly becoming a patchwork of memories. Inches of wall space are ordained with these priceless images I take of her. No need to worry about painting and decorating as you can barely see the hall way walls! I’m clearly a show off. I created this little miracle, and damn it, she’s mine to be proud of!

But the real truth is behind the camera phone there is a mother who’s terrified. Im a mother who wants to make sure she will remember every moment she has with her little girl. Im a mother who wants to capture every memory ‘just in case’. The threat of the unexpected; the fear of uncertainty; and the anxiety of the unknown permanently chips away at any optimism I have on any given day. This is how a mother who has lost a child behaves.

I don’t remember seeing Isaac for the first time. In fact, I think about 20 others, mainly doctors and nurses, saw him before I did. I wasn’t even conscious when he was born! I was fighting for my life like he was. We were both unaware of the trauma going on around us. I look back on that day and I feel cheated. It shouldn’t have been that way, and we have evidence of that now. Not only was I cheated out of that first unforgettable glimpse of my baby, but I actually don’t really remember what I saw when I eventually did lay eyes on Isaac. I was coming round from a general anaesthetic and heavily medicated. I had lost a lot of blood and I was in pain. All I remember seeing were wires. Lots of wires. I have no memory of his face, his hands, his tiny body. Just wires. The only reason I know he had fair hair and was perfectly formed was because of a photo I have of that moment. It’s a real memory that I can’t remember happening. And it was the start of my obsession with photos.

On the day Isaac was born he was taken away from me. I was left in that god forsaken hospital alone whilst he was being transferred to his final home at St.Thomas’. I didn’t understand what was happening. All around me strange, peculiar things you don’t expect to happen in a hospital were happening. Nurses were telling me they were praying for Isaac. Consultants were crying. Darren’s mum and brother suddenly appeared out of no where. My mum was being strangely quiet when normally she would take charge of any silliness like this. It all seemed nonsensical. I don’t remember having or seeing my son but I was told he was very unwell and now being transferred. I believe I was told this at least two times every five minutes. I was still confused and still quite heavily sedated. I question whether that was for pain management or to ‘manage’ me now. However, I was desperate to see him. I called Darren and he sent me the photo that was taken of me seeing him for the first time. I saw his face for the first time properly. He existed beneath those wires. He was real. I needed to get out of that hospital and be with him.

After eventually securing my escape nearly two days later, i was transferred to St.Thomas’ to be with Isaac. I saw my son properly in the flesh. Shock and horror set in as I reeled at NASA-like machinery and endless lines and tubes surrounding him. Underneath all that futuristic technology lay my baby dressed in his brain cooling suit, reminiscent of an astronaut ready for flight. Ironic really, seeing as he wasn’t much longer for this world. Looking past this macabre space age scene, his tiny body looked almost lifeless; his expression suspended. But I could see he was beautiful. I could see the fair hair and perfectly formed features. This was the first time I really saw my baby. And of course, I captured it on film. The photo of my first real sight of Isaac is now a canvas on my dining room wall.

With Isaac’s life hanging in the balance, I sat beside him wordless and in a daze. I rarely moved from that spot by his cot for the remaining four days I had with him. I had already lost two days with him whilst being held hostage in that other hospital, begging to be taken to St.Thomas’ who had already secured me a bed. I wasn’t going to sacrifice more time for pointless things like my own obs, or food, or sleep. I knew the reality: he wasn’t going to be with us for long. Beside me the whole time was Darren, and my phone. So, i took photos every time the nurses did something like change his nappy. I took photos of him when he had his hand held by Darren or other family members. I even took photos of him from different angles of the cot! Anything and everything just so I could keep that memory alive forever. I couldn’t forget. I wouldn’t forget.

We even have christening photos. He was four days old when we were told we should arrange a christening with the hospital chaplain, Mia, ‘just in case’. There are no smiles, fancy clothes or pretty church. Instead my son became part of God’s family in a intensive care ward with his mother in pjs and his father unshaven. All of this is etched in photos by the nurses: the divine moments of a celestial boy’s baptism. Another, ‘just in case’ moment captured to memory.

And then there’s the photo where Isaac clasped my fingers. It is my most treasured image of all. It’s full of life. It shows he lived. He was my earthly baby for a while. I look at that photo and I remember his little hand; the pressure of him squeezing my fingers and the hope it gave. There is nothing quite like your baby squeezing your fingers. It’s like they are silently telling you they are yours. They belong to you. Isaac was my baby. He knew I was his mummy. I have the evidence. I know he knew.

The real reason for my obsession with photos? Fear. If I can commit it to photo and it’s then taken away from me I still know it existed. If the worst happens I have an image of those happier times forever, even when my own memory fades. It is real. It happened. I have proof. Isaac was real. He was a fair haired baby, perfectly formed who loved his mummy and daddy. I have proof.

I now take beautiful shots of my daughter and feel proud. I’m proud of the little person she is and I want to show her off. But there is a tiny part of me that does it from fear. Fear of her leaving me too. I hate the fear. I despise it. I despise myself sometimes for even thinking that way. But my anxiety cannot always be tamed. My fear cannot be totally pacified. When the the worst has happened to you, the worry is always there, lurking in all you do. You see, I can take every precaution I can to keep my daughter safe. I can play the odds, take out insurance and plan for eventualities. But I can’t predict the future. I can’t keep what could happen at bay. Life may be wonderful for us in the future. It may not- and that’s the fear speaking- but at least I can keep my memories forever. I can take a photo of moments to be proud of; times we are happy; achievements and small joys. They may make me smile. They make me cry. But they are mine, always.

Simone

How Life Changes

So today Isaac would be celebrating his 6^th birthday if he was here with us. People say that it gets easier, time is a healer…but the reality is very different. Life does go on, but as major events happen in your life, you are constantly reminded and thinking of how different life should be.

Isaac should be about to finish his second year at primary school. He should be preparing to be the big brother looking after his little sister who would be starting at the same school in September. Starting to learn musical instruments, getting more involved with sports – and in my ideal world desperately wanting the Wolves team strip as they embark on their first season back in the Premier league, with Neves written on the back if he didn’t want “Smith”.  I’m sure he would have mastered the dab, be showing us all how to floss and generally growing in to the special little boy that we all know him as being.

It’s fair to say this past year has been incredibly challenging for us. In April, Simone’s Mum passed away, after a hard fought battle with cancer, and losing her has understandably affected us all greatly. She was Simone’s absolute rock and Isla thought the world of her. Her death has affected us all in different ways, and explaining to Isla naturally brought up a lot of thoughts about Isaac as well. We’ve always ensured Isla knew all about her very special big brother. She’s always known that he is up in the sky looking over us all, and over the years it’s shocked us, brought tears, but also brought very special moments that she knows and is happy to talk about her big brother being up in the sky.

Isla often will now talk of him, and that he is up there with Nanny, and also with my Dad who obviously she never got to meet, but has seen pictures of. And it’s not just with us that she talks – we quite often hear how she has been in a contemplative mood at nursery and has spoken with Denisha and Gizem (her teachers at nursery) about how both Isaac and Nanny are up in the sky, can see what we are doing, and are in the stars.

But despite Isla’s understanding of where Isaac is, it doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, as she grows in to the most amazing little girl, it hurts even more that she doesn’t have Isaac here to play with her, to look after her. We see her friends with their brothers and sisters and it is incredibly heart-breaking that Isaac isn’t here growing up with Isla and loving her as much as she loves him.

And this really brings us on to the other main news of this past year. Whilst understandably not as heart-breaking as the death of Simone’s Mum, it has been an incredibly difficult subject that has lived with us over these past 6 years. After 5 and a half years of frankly torture, we settled out of Court with North Middlesex Hospital over Isaac's death. It’s taken us all of this time to finally receive the only thing that we wanted – an apology that the actions of the hospital and the staff at his birth had resulted in Isaac’s death 6 days later.

I feel it’s necessary to go into a bit of details on what has been happening over these years and the impact and difficulties it has caused us – after all, one of the purposes of our page and our blog is to break the taboo’s and give an insight in to what it is like for a family to lose a child. In the days that followed Isaac’s death we were made aware by Isaac’s consultant at St Thomas’s that after reviewing the timeline of events – something wasn’t adding up. Something wasn’t right and that it needed to be investigated. As you can imagine, at the time, and in the months that followed Simone and I were struggling to come to terms with the fact Isaac, who we had longed for for so long was not here with us. So to add to that the fact that, what we thought had been a tragic situation at his birth may have issues that could possibly have been prevented was incredibly hard for us to take.

In the months that followed we met with the team at North Middlesex and it’s fair to say we were led a merry dance – initially being told one thing – such as there wasn’t a procedure at the hospital for dealing with a major bleed, to being told the complete opposite. Eventually a year after Isaac had died and after sending a very aggressively worded letter to the hospital and copying in such groups as the Royal Society of Midwives, the board of North Middlesex agreed to meet and in the coming months we had a number of very difficult meetings. Those meetings were to do two things – to get to the bottom of what happened, and also to try to ensure that this would never happen again to another family. What was evident at these meetings – the hospital knew that things hadn’t been done correctly – but their standard view all along was that Simone had had a placenta abruption, and that Isaac was therefore going to die anyway in the circumstances.

Roughly a year after Isaac died, with the help of Sands, we appointed a solicitor and started down the road of a medical negligence case against North Middlesex. We were advised at the time that it would be difficult, and painful, but I don’t think for one second we realised quite how difficult it would be.

Over the coming two years we would get updates every few months – as different expert witnesses were appointed to give their view. With each one, a report was written, and tears were shed – an expert Midwife, an expert Obstetrician, an expert Paediatrician, and then finally we had to meet with a Clinical Psychologist to see what impact the actions and death of Isaac had had on us. It was incredibly difficult to go through, and relive what happened at Isaac’s birth over and over again.

Once our solicitors had compiled all of their information for the case it was then sent to the North Middlesex team and roughly four years after Isaac’s death we were asked to meet with their expert Clinical Psychologist to see what his view was of how we had been impacted. It was constant, it was hard, and we were put in a position where we had no choice but to relive it over and over again.

Eventually, North Middlesex Hospital accepted that they had been medically negligent, but that doesn’t end the case, as it is then down to seeing if they will pay the costs that we had incurred – Isaac’s grave, the cost of the ongoing counselling, the cost of specialist counselling to help us get through what can only be described as an impossible set of circumstances to live with, and most importantly to us - a letter of apology.

It took until earlier this year, with the possibility of going to court looking very likely, before finally North Middlesex came to agreement and issued a full letter of apology. Along the way we had previously received a letter that was seen as appropriate by them which stated that they were sorry for the shortcomings in their treatment of Isaac – but to us this was just a kick in the teeth – we wanted an apology for the actions of the hospital that caused the death of our beautiful little boy.

Eventually that was received, but not without legal sacrifices – we had to concede that I was not a victim in the medical negligence of Isaac’s death – because he had survived for 6 days – and through ‘dawning conscious’ we apparently should have got used to the idea that Isaac was going to die and as a result not suffered any form of post-traumatic stress. If it wasn’t for the fact that it had been Simone’s body that they were negligent to, we would also have had to concede that she was not a victim as well.  I think it’s fair to say, that this alone shows that despite all the improvements that are happening surrounding support for parents losing a child, or dealing with miscarriage, there is still a long way to go – for courts to use the concept of a car crash (one shock incident) as to whether we should suffer Post Traumatic Stress or not when our son fought so hard for 6 days to spend time with us – showing us his strength, his determination, his love…….it’s heart-breaking.

But what’s worse, is that not only have we lost our son, our beautiful daughter has lost her brother. And what is truly crushing is what came out in the medical negligence expert witness statements……..if North Middlesex Hospital had followed the correct timing and procedures for a suspected placenta abruption, the experts have said that Isaac would not only have survived – he would have been fully healthy , with no brain damage.   If North Middlesex Hospital had delivered Isaac four minutes earlier……..it is believed he would still be here today although would have suffered a level of brain damage. Isaac was stolen away from us as a result of the actions of the hospital, but more importantly Isla never got to know her big brother. He should be here with her as she grows up.

And that is the simple, sad, devastating facts.

Isla is an amazing little girl – she is incredibly excited about celebrating Isaac’s birthday this weekend with a super hero and fairy picnic in his honour…….but he should be here…..blowing out those 6 candles that will be on his cake. Life does move on, time does to an extent heal, but when you lose a child there are constant reminders, and you can never heal completely. Part of you is gone forever. There will always be situations when you know he should be here physically with you instead of looking down over you, with his Nanny and his Grandad. And we know that our situation is repeated up and down the country with every other family that has sadly had a child that has grown their wings far too early.

Happy 6^th Birthday strong, inspirational, beautiful Isaac. Your Mummy, Daddy and Sister, along with all of your family miss you very much, and we wish more than anything that you were here with us celebrating today x Through you, there is a lasting legacy. Through you procedures have been changed at the hospital you were born at so that hopefully no other child suffers the way you did, and through you the Evelina Hospital where we all received such incredible care, and where all the fundraising that we do in your memory goes to is able to help prevent other families from going through what we have had to.

Darren x

A Nearly Perfect Picture

I'm sitting on my bed looking at the painting we had commissioned a year ago. It's a picture by a very talented woman who took an incredibly vague daydream I have often about Isaac and brought it to life. It's simply beautiful. It represents my 'perfect, happy place'.

 

Isaac and I are sitting on the banks of a river with our backs towards the viewer's perspective. The sun is out; the water is blue; and there is a pleasant cool breeze that softly blows through my hair. We are sitting under a very green and leafy tree for shade as we certainly don't want to burn with our kind of complexions! I'm wearing a pink and white summer dress and I have my arm around Isaac, who is wearing just a nappy and his 'space helmet' (the brain cooling hood I always remember him in). The overall feeling is one of contentment, calm and peace- a perfectly happy place.

 

I can sit and stare at this painting for ages. I marvel at this little boy, so sweetly sitting beside his mother. May be he is listening to me telling him a story, or possibly I'm singing to him as I do to his little sister (much to her annoyance- "mummy, noooooo!"). Or, may be it’s what I imagined in the day dream and we're just enjoying each other's company, listening to the sounds of the river passing us by. I guess there's real scope for the imagination here.

 

But a few things strike me today, on the eve of his 5th birthday, as I sit and contemplate the reality of this scene. There are a couple of things that seem unlikely. The first is you would rarely see me in a pink dress- it's not the most flattering colour on me! It would also be quite a novelty to see a 5 year old in just a nappy and 'space helmet' in the English countryside. I would have hoped Isaac would be potty trained by now at the very least! And also, what little boy do you know who would sit still beside to his mummy so calmly and quietly when there's a whole river bank to explore?

 

And then I remember and become annoyed with myself. It's not real so why do I need to question it? It's not a memory, it's a day dream; a perfect place I created in my mind. If it was a memory you would be reading a completely different story here. My son wouldn't have died. I wouldn't need to day dream about what we would do if he was here. I wouldn't need a 'perfect, happy place' to take me away from the anxiety of grief. In fact, I wouldn't need this painting at all.

 

But I do have this painting, and for the first time ever it makes me feel sad. It represents that 'what if' part of my mind that just can't let go of Isaac. You'd think after five years I would have found a way of accepting and letting his memory rest; just remember the time we had together; those six days of cuddles and kisses. Why do I seek to have so many reminders of the little boy that should be here?

 

It's not just the painting. Isaac 'memorabilia' is scattered all around me: candles, decorations, framed quotes, songs on my iPod that remind me of him; even the Running for Isaac charity page and blog! There isn't one place in my house, in my life, in my head that doesn't seem to be filled with Isaac. I start to feel sad that I ever had the painting commissioned in the first place.

 

What's even sadder is that I had to have it done. I had to 'create' a memory that doesn't exist to make me feel close with my boy. It's sad that he should be here but was taken away from me. He should be 5 years old.  He should be running around in a real field, exploring the river bank and the nature around it, scrapping his knees as he carelessly trips up from leaping around so recklessly, making me kiss them better before he shoots off to explore something else like nothing had happened. It's incredibly sad that it's been five years, and I can't let go.

 

There's a part of me that is defiant though. Why should I let go? He was here. He existed.  I still love him more than my own life. In fact, isn't that what a mother is meant to do- love their children regardless? Why should that end because he's not here? It never will. I will never ‘get over it' because the day Isaac was born I became a mother. You can't change that.

 

I don't know why the painting sparks such a sad range of mixed emotions in me today other than that fact that I miss him.  I've lived without him for nearly 5 years now. How have I come this far without giving up when my longing for him is still so strong?

 

I just miss my boy.

 

I miss his downy fine blond hair that smelt so pure. The tight grip of his fingers around mine. The all consuming love he made me feel. He was perfect in every way to me. But Isaac was only 'nearly perfect'. That's what I was told from day 1 to day 6 of his life.

 

He was perfectly healthy- apart from the brain damage.  Scans showed that his perfectly formed organs would have worked properly- if it wasn't for the brain damage. He would have been a perfectly healthy, happy, knee scrapping 5 year old boy- if it wasn't for the brain damage.  I've learnt that nothing stays perfect. There is no such illusion anymore.

 

So may be that's what the picture needs to be: a nearly perfect memory. It would be upgraded to ‘perfect’ if it was a real. The effect it has on me can't be one single, perfect emotion. It's a mix of sadness and joy, love and longing- much like the time I spent with Isaac. That nonsensical feeling of joy and sadness we experienced during his life makes just a little more sense now.

 

The picture is a perfect memory that doesn't exist. But for now, tomorrow, for however long it takes, it can stay perfect for a while longer.

 

XxX




We would like to ask everyone who reads this to light a candle in memory of Isaac or a loved one they have lost.

If you would like to donate to the Evelina Children's' Hospital please go to: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserPage.action?userUrl=runningforisaac&pageUrl=13

 

Courage

(About mothers) “Perhaps it takes courage to raise children." John Steinbeck 

I read this quote a few months ago. I remember thinking 'there's no 'perhaps' about it!' Of course it does. There is no mother in this world that hasn't had to find the courage to put her child first above everything: work, relationships, and even their own life. For most, your child is always more important than anything else in this world; and it takes courage to keep going when you're exhausted, stressed, or in the midst of a crisis. Putting someone before your own needs comes as second nature to most mums, but it still takes courage to keep going during tough times, and in fact, during everyday challenges. Balancing a job, dealing with sickness, lack of sleep... Mums are amazing. 

It takes even more courage to raise a child on your own. I think of how brave and courageous my own mother is to have done this with three young children: to put our own happiness first when it might have been easier to stay in a terrible relationship. Through the best and worst of times she has always put our needs first, and (I think!) did an amazing job at raising us. Even now she thinks of us first in everything she does. The single mums out there display courage and strength everyday. 

It takes courage to want to be a mum too. So many of us can't just 'have a baby' as easily as that. Some beauty souls adopt to give a child the love and care they need. Some of us face grueling years of treatment to eventually have our 'miracle' babies. Some do fall pregnant and then loose their child. Some women never get the chance to be the mum they long to be.  I'm always so mindful of those journeys now. And the love and courage these women find to keep going through everything is remarkable. They are extraordinarily brave and courageous women. 

Being a mother to a child on this earth and one who is an angel is emotionally tough  and quite a challenge to say the least.  I struggle every day; and whether the challenge is missing Isaac or feeling guilt towards loving Isla just as much, I know that the one thing I have had to be is courageous. I have had to learn that's it's okay to love Isla. She is a huge blessing and the minute I saw her I was besotted. I had to believe it's okay to feel that way, as Isaac would have wanted that. He's still my first born. He still has the other half of my heart, despite him not being here. Before Isla came along I never thought I would be able to share my heart again. Whether people understand or not, it's taken courage to allow another child in to my heart. The guilt a bereaved mother feels after having a rainbow baby is huge. I think of Isaac every time Isla does something for the first time: walking, talking; singing... Raising her with that guilt is hard and takes every inch of my courage not to shout out that her big brother should be here to show her how it's done. Courage. That's what angel mums have to show each day. Even at the best of times, it can still take courage just to smile. I do it because I have been blessed with a beautiful baby to look after here on this earth. May be one day I will go to Isaac and be his mum there 'for real' too. 

It has to be acknowledged that today is a very difficult day for some of my friends and family who are missing their own mothers too. Loss on significant days like this is magnified. How could it not be? You are all in my thoughts. 

Wanting, having and raising children does take courage. There is no doubt about that. To all those women out there, whether you are celebrating Mothers Day or not, whatever your reasons, you're amazing. ❤️

The Chair

Isaac would have been four years old this year. 4 years old! I shake my head everything I think about it. I have no idea how the time has passed so quickly.

My baby would no longer be a baby. He would be about to start school. I would be shopping for a school uniform and buying him a lunch box. I would be watching his growing excitement for the birthday party I would inevitably be throwing for him and his little friends. I'd spend the rest of the summer soaking up every precious moment with him, and wishing it would never end just so he could stay my baby forever.

I'd be full of pride when Isaac would walk through the school gates on his first day of school. He'd be wearing a uniform that's just a little too large. I would hear my own mother's voice in my head as I justify that baggy jumper with "he will grow in to it". He would give me a cuddle before walking in to school, not looking back, because he's the brave boy that fought so hard to live. School is a walk in the park for Isaac.

Isaac would have a special peg in the classroom where he'd hang his coat. Again, it would be a little too big because I know he'd grown taller as the year goes on. I've come to this conclusion based on the fact that all our male relatives are giants! I know that one day Isaac would tower above me!

He would have his own pencil case and brand new stationary to put in to it. As a teacher myself, I would make sure he was fully prepared with pencils galore.  Paperchase wouldn't know what had hit them!

Isaac would want a chair on a table at the front of the room as he would be eager to learn. He'd soak up every piece of information and store it away for future reference. I know this as that's what his dad is like. Isaac would excel at both Maths and English. Isaac's dad would handle the numbers and I would do the words. How handy for him to have a mathematician for a father and English teacher for a mother! And whilst sitting in that chair, Isaac would be the most devoted student a teacher could ask for. Like his little sister, he would be asking an abundance of questions. I'm sure his hand would always be up! I would hope his teacher would feel proud that she had such a conscientious little student with such a curious mind. Get ready with the gold stars and 'Excellent!' stamps as our Isaac would be aiming high!

Of course, Isaac might be a little chatty like his mum. That's our fault really.  We would let him chatter away as we just loved to hear his happy, sunny voice. At parents evening it would be the only issue he would have.  However, I'm sure a little knowing look from his teacher would curb that small distraction.

Isaac would love music. We always have music playing in our house and its influence would no doubt have an effect on him. He would be a guitar player like his dad; and he would be just as familiar with 90s Brit Pop as he was with 'Wheels on the Bus'!

At playtime, Isaac would play all the games of our childhood too: It, hopscotch, i-spy, dodge ball, and hide and seek. I would like to think he would be popular and have a group of friends always around him. He would also be the one laughing the loudest. He got that from his dad too: the silly, infectious laugh that would make everyone smile.

At home time, I would pick Isaac up and we would walk back together. He'd nag me for sweets, but sigh when I produced an apple from my bag. He would chatter incessantly about all his adventures that day. I would listen and smile, mesmerised by his happiness and excitement.  How lucky am I to have such a joyful and enthusiastic son?

Except Isaac won't be going to school this year, or in fact, ever.  I will never have that chance to walk him to the school gates. He won't get to wear that baggy jumper that's two sizes too big for him. That chair in his teacher's classroom won't be his.

Instead I'm scrolling through Facebook looking at photographs of children that are posing proudly in their new uniforms, ready for their first day in September. They have on their 'too big' jumpers and new Clarks shoes.  It makes me smile for a minute or two; then I remember that it will never be Isaac’s turn. I guess people will find it hard to believe that I could smile in the first place, but it's true. Even though my son isn't here, I still understand the excitement and pride every parent has about the first day of school. I've understood it for a long time, both as a teacher and a parent. Those daydreams of what ‘should be’ can't help but creep in to my mind. That particular milestone would have filled me with pride.

The thing that saddens me the most is the thought of the chair in the classroom that should have been Isaac's. He should be sitting in that chair. Instead it will belong to another wee boy or girl. In a way, it's a positive thing that it won't be empty. Hopefully, the child in that seat will be as enthusiastic and eager to learn as I know my Isaac would have been. They may even have been his friend in another lifetime.

I'm sure that makes him smile: the thought of some lucky little boy or girl making good use of that chair.

And me? I guess I still have my daydreams. These will have to see me through until the next milestone.

XxX

We would like to ask everyone who reads this to light a candle in memory of Isaac or a loved one they have lost.

If you would like to donate to the Evelina Children's' Hospital please go to: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserPage.action?userUrl=runningforisaac&pageUrl=13

Acts of Kindness

Four years ago today Isaac entered this world in a state of sheer panic and mayhem; yet he left it in peace and surrounded by love. The difference is so very marked and completely describes the contrasting places he was at those times. The hospital he was born in got it so very very wrong, in many ways. However, St.Thomas' Neonatal Unit was a place of calm, expertise and kindness. There is no getting away from the fact that they couldn't save his life, but they certainly tried; and they did everything they could to look after us.

The one thing that always struck me about St.Thomas' was how kind the staff were. Nothing was too much trouble for them. The whole time Isaac was on life support they gave us all constant care and attention. They treated us like parents, despite us being unable to really care for him. They went out of their way to teach us how to put a nappy on him through the mass of wires and tubes. The staff literally performed a game of 'Risk' by moving him gently out of his crib without compromising his life support, just so we could hold him. And at the end, they showed compassion and kindness by making sure we had some alone time with Isaac. 'Kind' is very much the word that sums the staff up. Even after Isaac died, they spent months looking after us through counselling. Isaac's Neonatal consultant and nurses have even stayed in touch to this day. Nothing was too much trouble for them, and they were genuinely concerned for all our welfare.

In the early days after Isaac's passing, the kindness of others was something we relied on too. We relied on people to feed us; tell us what to do; and to keep us going. Basically they kept us alive. Nothing really mattered, and if it wasn't for the kindness of family and friends i may not have been here to write this. Sounds dramatic doesn't it? But it's true. I cared nothing for my life for a long time. In fact, the thought of dying to be with my son was almost preferable to living this 'existence' we found ourselves in. Grieving very much relies on the kindness of others. Without their support we would have been able to take the time to process what was happening.

Further down the line when we started to learn how to live again, nothing could prepare us for the awkward conversations we were increasingly having with people. Why aren't I 'over it'? Why can't you come to so and so's baby shower/christening/birthday party? Why couldn't you just be the Simone you once were? The answers were simple. Because my son shouldn't have died...We tried so long to have him...I don't know how to be 'that' Simone anymore... It became frustrating and difficult. A few friends gave up on us. Some just couldn't deal with how sad the situation was. However, there were people in our lives that just 'got it'. Their empathy and understanding made everything simpler. They listened, waited and gently placed their hands on our shoulders as we learnt to walk through a minefield of grief that tripped us up on regular occasions. It was a long and complicated journey, and still is at times, but these people showed the true meaning of compassion and kindness by not giving up on us.

Even four years on, those small acts of kindness mean so much to us. A card at Christmas or birthdays where Isaac's name is mentioned acknowledges that we are still his parents. Asking us how we are doing with Isaac related matters helps keep his name alive. Understanding that the lovely news of pregnancies and births are always going to be a little sensitive, but handling it kindly and quietly helps. We are always so happy to hear people's exciting news; it just takes us a moment to absorb. To any grieving parent these kind acts mean so much.

When thinking about ways to mark Isaac's birthday this year we wanted to celebrate the kindness of others.  So much kindness that been shown to us since his passing. So many people have raised awareness of the good work St.Thomas' and the Evelina Children's Hospital do by taking on challenges to raise money for them. Many people are now breaking the taboo and speaking about baby loss more openly. We still see the kindness of others as they remember our son each year.  We decided to celebrate all the good that people do by asking everyone to do one Act of Kindness in memory of Isaac. It seemed fitting seeing as his memory has inspired so many to do good in the past. And you know what? People have rallied around and really supported this event. So many have requested Acts of Kindness tokens and it makes me smile to think that people are going out in to the world and spreading a little bit of happiness.

And thats what Isaac's legacy is: doing good for others. In his memory so much has been done to help those who are ill, grieving, or in need of help. I can only imagine how proud and touched he would be at everyone's kindness, because that's how we feel. 

Happy birthday little man. You're still doing us proud, and helping to spread kindness just by being you. That in itself is the best birthday present anyone could ask for.

Love always and forever,

Mummy, Daddy and Isla.

XxX.


If you would like to donate to the Evelina Children's' Hospital and/or receive an Act of Kindness, please go to:
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserPage.action?userUrl=runningforisaac&pageUrl=13

Thank you.

Mothers Day, again.

Happy Mothers Day to all you beautiful mothers out there! There are many of you I know who deserve the best of days. I hope you're all spoilt rotten.

To those of you who do not have their mothers with you, I hope you find a way to remember and honour their memory. May the day pass gently for you. 

I know how fortunate I am. I'm so very blessed to have my wonderful Isla! I am also so lucky to have an amazing mother, and a great mother in law. All in all, I should be feeling so very happy and satisfied today. However, I'm not really content and without sorrow on this occasion. I have no Isaac here.

It was a day I used to long for in the past when we were trying for a baby; a day I dreaded after Isaac; and now Isla is here, I have bittersweet feeling towards it. Every mother should be honoured on such a day (if not everyday!) but to those of us who have lost children what is there to look forward to? It's a day where we cry. It's a day where we find some way to torture ourselves with 'what ifs'. We find ways to blame ourselves, and even sometimes feel envy and resentment towards those who get the honour of such a day with all their children. For angel mothers it's a day where we go to our child's grave/garden/memory box and stare emptily at this heartbreaking memorial as we know they aren't really there. No card or flowers; no pampering; no child to hug. All in all, it is a day angel mothers could do without. It's bloody hard.

I know that along with celebrating the wonderful mother I have and being grateful for my loving daughter, I will feel grief today. I don't have one of the loves of my life here. Of course it is comforting to know Isaac has become a symbol of strength and love to many. Lots of amazing things have been done in his memory, and his legacy has helped many. I'm so proud of him. I also know that I was blessed to have him for a short while, and believe me when I say I've been told that by a number of people(!), but it really wasn't enough. I feel cheated, bitter and guilty a lot of the time, and I hate that I can't feel satisfied with what I have. But then why would I? Is Isaac any less important than Isla? Of course not. The only difference is I have her here to care for. I've had no choice but to intrust him to a higher power. But I'm still his mother. He is still the little boy I carried for 9 months; touched and held for 6 days. The little boy who I buried with a piece of my heart. And I will love him for eternity with what I have left, and with just as much love as I have for Isla, because I am his Mum. Always.

I think about my fellow angel Mums today and I just want them to remember they are still mothers to their angel babies and children who they will forever cherish. We may not get cards or gifts of thanks, but we don't really need them. Just being acknowledged as a Mum is all that's needed. So I want to acknowledge my fellow angel Mum's today. We loved our babies and they felt every fraction of that love whilst we had them. That's what makes us mothers. Love.  ❤️

God Only Knows

I was listening to the song 'God only knows' the other day. It was a Beach Boys' cover by BBC Music and it features an array of famous musicians. I started to hum along with the likes of Florence and the Machine, and Sam Smith.  I was enjoying the beautiful harmonies, and my humming soon changed to singing. Funny how I remembered the words to a song I haven't heard for ages. However, just as soon as that thought entered my head something happened. Out of nowhere I began to get choked up. I blinked as my eyes started to water and I couldn't force the rest of the lyrics out of my mouth. Instead I cried silently through the song; and at the end I looked down at my phone to the photo of Isaac saved as my screen background. I never cry. It's not something I often do. If I do it's almost always out of anger, and God knows I have a lot of that inside me! But it wasn't anger that set off the tears; it was this song. It was memories. It was Isaac. 

It was a particular part in the song that struck a cord: 

 

"If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me?

God only knows what I'd be without you"

These words had never felt more true than during those long dark days after Isaac died. Life does go on, but it wasn't a life I wanted to live. Honestly, I wished I had been taken with him. Isaac died in my arms at 6 days old. A big part of me died with him too: my faith, my happiness, my heart. I often felt that I might as well have left with him. 

I was convinced life was over. What exactly did the world offer me now? The child I had been though so much to have; the baby I felt move around inside me; and the life I was meant to lead as a mother, had been torn from me. I was left with nothing. No one could console me and tell me it would be okay, not even Darren. He was grieving in his own way, and for a while we became strangers. We literally existed together. Selfishly though, i felt a slight relief about not having to go through this loss alone. 

Darren threw himself in to fund raising in memory of Isaac. He decided to run the London Marathon. I was aghast as I was convinced I would loose him too. I had visions of him having a heart attack mid way and then I would be completely on my own. However, he desperately wanted to do it, so, I got my anxiety in to check and supported him. It was Darren's way to cope, and I couldn't take that from him. 

For me, grief was a very different experience. I did not cry. I didn't do 'weak'. I didn't want to feel. All I wanted was to be alone. I locked myself in the house. For the first few months, I went no where apart from the cemetery to see Isaac, my mum's so she could feed me, and to our bereavement counsellor. Then acute anxiety hit and I began to move further and further away from the person I was. I couldn't eat, swallow, or even breath sometimes. Life showed me no mercy. Every day was as painful as the last, and the cruelty of grief added one extra blow for me to deal with. 

Leaving the house eventually to do 'something' was my sister's idea. She literally put me in my coat and dragged me out. I hated every minute of it. There were too many people who knew nothing of my pain and I was walking the streets amongst them. I wanted to scream at everyone. Did they know what I was dealing with? Did they care? I despised them for not knowing. I was completely irrational. It was the same day I ran in to an old friend who ignored me. A great start to my first trip out! I don't remember feeling particularly hurt; I was hurting enough as it was. Instead their actions taught me a lesson about how people dealt with child loss- badly! It also made me realise I was always going to be that mother who lost a child. Who wants to be that person? Who wants to know that person? I can assure you, no one does! Bad enough to loose your child, but then to loose your friends? No, that's not okay.  I felt like an untouchable. Without Isaac, I was going to always be a grieving mum. I didn't want to continue living this life.

It wasn't just 'outside' that was tough. Locked up in my own house was impossible too. Throughout the day and night I would touch my stomach praying that the past few months were just a mistake. I prayed hard that he was still with me. But there were no kicks. No longer was the baby I'd carried to full term safe and sound in my stomach. The last time I felt Isaac move properly was before he we born. Whist in NICU he didn't move at all: too many wires and sedation. If Isaac did move it was from convulsions he was having as a result of the brain damage. The only time I ever felt him move was inside me. He was healthy and safe there. He was alive and well, but now he would never move again. I missed the way he would wriggle around. I desperately wanted to feel him and his powerful kicks. I promised I wouldn't ever moan about them again! Of course, nothing changed. I left for hospital pregnant and came home a week later with no baby. I felt I should be with Isaac where I could see and feel him. A mother should be with their child. What was I going to do without him? 

The song literally mirrored how I was feeling, and that didn't change for a long long time.  Even when i felt strong enough to go out, get back to work and see people, I still felt empty and sad.  Life went on and yet it meant nothing to me. I needed something to give meaning to my world. I needed a reason, apart from friends and family, to keep going. 

I found this purpose through a group of women who had experienced loss and understood what it actually meant. Unless you were there, no one will ever understand what it's like for your child to die in your arms. We all had our own individual experiences of child loss, but these ladies, sadly, knew to some degree how I felt. I would online chat with these angel mothers late at night. I tearfully listened to their experiences. I reached out to them when I felt particularly wretched. They were so important to me, and many of them still are. 

These angel mothers inspired me to start up a support group. They encouraged me to write these blogs. Their empathy and lack of judgement allowed me to share emotions I sometimes felt ashamed of. In turn, I also supported, listened and encouraged. I learnt I wasn't alone. I could cope. I could live again. I will never forget, be as optimistic, or as innocent as I was since loosing Isaac, but I can live. I have found some purpose in this world that had let me down so badly.  

My friends and family gave me space to learn how to be this new person. Some friendships lay claim to my grief, but most were salvaged. I could still be their daughter, sister, friend and colleague, but I had changed. Some things are not for the better I admit. I can get angry easily and I know I need to curb that. My anxiety leads to me constantly questioning myself and when my mindful techniques don't work I rely on people to calm me down. However, on the flip side, I'm more honest, more open, and I hope, more empathetic. It's been a very tough ongoing journey for everyone, but I am so very grateful that my friends and family continue to hold on.

Despite starting our grief in different places, Darren and I began to find strength in one another and learn to live with this terrible tragedy. I joined Darren with his fundraising. I started to do charity work too. It brought us together. And we had another child, Isla. She is so very amazing and we love her more than anyone can imagine. She will never replace Isaac but she had helped us to smile and look forward to another day. 

There are so many people that helped me appreciate the world again: my friends, my family, and of course, my loss group. Each helped put me back together. I know they watched me change and felt powerless at times, but these people stood patiently by my side. I have slowly came back, not quite the same person as I was, but as someone who can at least see a reason to live. 

God only knows how I've managed to get here. I didn't want to live without Isaac. I still don't want to be without him, but I have learnt that there is still a place for me in this world. It may not be the place I want to be at times, or even envisaged myself in, but it is a life that I am slowly starting to accept bit by bit, as life does still go on. 

Simone. XxX. 

If you would like to donate in memory of Isaac to the Evelina Children's Hospital please visit:

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=runningforisaac&utm_source=SwitchToDesktop&utm_medium=web&utm_content=Footer&utm_campaign=VMGMobile&stop_mobi=yes

Birthday Gift

Whenever we talk about you, Isaac, it ultimately ends in how inspirational you are. True, I am biased, but I have never met or known of any little boy who has inspired so many to be kind, generous and brave.

These past three years have been a struggle for us. We long to have you here and to share our world with you. Instead you are growing up in a place called 'somewhere'. 

We should be able to sing happy birthday to you in person. We would want to see your smiling face as you opened your gifts. As you blew out your birthday candles we would wish for you to be happy, kind and brave- qualities anyone would wish for their children. But in fact you are those things already: happy, kind and brave. We feel very fortunate to have had you, and as time goes by we see these aspects of your character daily. You don't need to be here for us to know you have those worthy qualities. 

I imagine you are happy. You are surrounded up there by people we have loved but have left us too. Your grandfather, your great uncle, your great grandmothers, and mummy's best friend. I know you are well cared for by them. You are also away from all the harm and cruelty this world sees. No one ever wants their child to bear witness to the wars and crimes on this earth, and you, thank God, will never know them. And I believe you must be so happy to see your baby sister growing each day. She will always know who you are my darling boy, and she will grow up loving you as if you were here. 

A kind person is someone who cares about others and their welfare. You may not be here to show this in person, but you have certainly inspired others to act kindly in your memory. £28,000 has been raised in your memory for the Evelina Children's Hospital, and we have seen people take on the most amazing challenges to raise this. Also, the kindness friends, family and the public have shown by donating is truly humbling. All in your memory sweetheart. This kindness is shown because of you. 

I have met no one quite as brave as you. You fought for life when others gave up on you. You gave us a little time to be your parents even though you were suffering and in pain. You made sure your mummy and daddy had memories of their first born to keep them warm through the darkest of times. How much braver could anyone be?

We couldn't be any prouder of you than we are; you're just not here to say it to. However, you are the happiest, most kind and bravest little boy there is.  I whisper it every night in to the star filled sky hoping you can at least feel our love for you. 

So, what could we possibly give to our happy, kind and brave boy? I think your true birthday gift is something you have given to us. You have shown us what true courage is. Whenever I have felt defeated and down I just think of you, and I remember that my fight could never be as hard as the one you had to endure. I have learnt to be less judgmental and more tolerant. You have changed the way I look at people. My empathy and my need to care is what drives me to help those who suffer loss too. And you have taught me to embrace those little moments of happiness we experience everyday, because we know they can vanish at any time. 

For your birthday we give to you a promise.  We will keep honouring you by doing our best to be happy, kind and brave- just like you.

Happy 3rd birthday darling boy. 
Love always and forever,
Mummy. 
XxX. 

If you would like to donate in memory of Isaac to the Evelina Children's Hospital please click on the link below:
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=runningforisaac&utm_source=SwitchToDesktop&utm_medium=web&utm_content=Footer&utm_campaign=VMGMobile&stop_mobi=yes