First of all thank you very much for taking the time to read
this. As some of you may know I lost my baby nephew, Isaac Colin Smith on the
1st August 2012. I am doing this skydive in memory of him, and to raise money
for the Evelina’s Neonatal unit. Throughout
Isaac's short stay in the hospital they provided him with outstanding care and
attention as well as supporting us, his family.
This is my story of why Isaac will always be part of my life.
For as long as I can remember I knew that my sister, Simone, would make a wonderful mum. As my older sister, we of course had arguments, but I knew that she would always protect and love me. When she married Darren I was so happy for them both, he is a kind and loving person and someone who I knew she would be able to fulfil her dreams with. Over the years Darren has proved many times over that he is an important part of our family, and someone who I can consider a brother. When they began trying for a baby I was incredibly excited and although they struggled I always knew it was going to happen, they were meant to be parents.
When Simone told me that she was pregnant back in December 2011 I was overjoyed! Over the next few months the excitement built, and I was unable to resist buying little things for him (although at that point we did not know the sex). I can remember talking to my friends who have children to ensure that I knew which toys would be the best for him and trying to gain as much knowledge as I could. I wanted to be able to support my sister and be the best Auntie ever! My sister let me come to their 3d scan which was incredible. To be honest at first I wasn't even sure what I was looking at (those who know me probably wouldn't be that surprised....) and then it hit me - we were going to have this gorgeous little baby in our lives, and life as we knew would completely change! I organised my sister’s baby shower, which was a wonderful day with her friends and grandmothers, all celebrating the coming of this precious and already loved baby.
On the 27th July 2012, life as I had come to know it changed. I was at work that day. I knew that my sister and Darren were going to the hospital for their last scan and I was looking forward to hearing from them after. I received a call from Darren telling me that Simone had started bleeding after the scan. He reassured me that she was okay and given that they were at the hospital things would be fine. However, I couldn't stop worrying so decided to leave work and go to the hospital. On my way I had several calls from Darren updating me about what was happening. I remember thinking that it was going to be okay as they would deliver early and given that he was over 37 weeks that he would be fine. The last phone call I got before getting to the hospital was from Darren in an extremely distressed state. I couldn't make out what was happening apart from Simone was in surgery, fear and panic set in as I rushed to the hospital.
At the hospital I found Darren and my mum, both in floods of tears. I was told that Simone was having an emergency c-section. The state of Darren told me how serious and life threatening things were. We waited for what seemed like eternity, and then Darren was taken off by one of the doctors. He must have been gone for about 30 minutes but again it seemed like a lifetime. We didn't know whether Simone or the baby had survived. I can honestly say I have never been more terrified. Eventually Darren returned with the doctor and they called us all in. It was explained that Simone had lost a significant amount of blood but was out of danger. The baby, however, had to be resuscitated for over 20 minutes. Simone had a placenta abruption and due to this the baby had been without oxygen. The paediatrician told us that he was in critical condition and was unlikely to survive. The lack of oxygen meant that he had certainly experienced a high level of brain damage. I remember feeling devastated and just wanting to make everything ok for him. I was also extremely worried about my sister who was still under anaesthetic and didn't know what was happening. I was so worried that she would not get to see her beautiful son. The paediatrician also told us that they wanted to move him over to a hospital which could provide specialist care and that as soon as they had a place they would move him.
We were allowed to see him with Darren. He was in an incubator and fitting profusely but it didn't take away how breathtakingly beautiful he was. I never expected to feel such a bond with him, but as soon as saw him my heart melted and I knew I would do anything for him. Quite simply I fell in love.
This is my story of why Isaac will always be part of my life.
For as long as I can remember I knew that my sister, Simone, would make a wonderful mum. As my older sister, we of course had arguments, but I knew that she would always protect and love me. When she married Darren I was so happy for them both, he is a kind and loving person and someone who I knew she would be able to fulfil her dreams with. Over the years Darren has proved many times over that he is an important part of our family, and someone who I can consider a brother. When they began trying for a baby I was incredibly excited and although they struggled I always knew it was going to happen, they were meant to be parents.
When Simone told me that she was pregnant back in December 2011 I was overjoyed! Over the next few months the excitement built, and I was unable to resist buying little things for him (although at that point we did not know the sex). I can remember talking to my friends who have children to ensure that I knew which toys would be the best for him and trying to gain as much knowledge as I could. I wanted to be able to support my sister and be the best Auntie ever! My sister let me come to their 3d scan which was incredible. To be honest at first I wasn't even sure what I was looking at (those who know me probably wouldn't be that surprised....) and then it hit me - we were going to have this gorgeous little baby in our lives, and life as we knew would completely change! I organised my sister’s baby shower, which was a wonderful day with her friends and grandmothers, all celebrating the coming of this precious and already loved baby.
On the 27th July 2012, life as I had come to know it changed. I was at work that day. I knew that my sister and Darren were going to the hospital for their last scan and I was looking forward to hearing from them after. I received a call from Darren telling me that Simone had started bleeding after the scan. He reassured me that she was okay and given that they were at the hospital things would be fine. However, I couldn't stop worrying so decided to leave work and go to the hospital. On my way I had several calls from Darren updating me about what was happening. I remember thinking that it was going to be okay as they would deliver early and given that he was over 37 weeks that he would be fine. The last phone call I got before getting to the hospital was from Darren in an extremely distressed state. I couldn't make out what was happening apart from Simone was in surgery, fear and panic set in as I rushed to the hospital.
At the hospital I found Darren and my mum, both in floods of tears. I was told that Simone was having an emergency c-section. The state of Darren told me how serious and life threatening things were. We waited for what seemed like eternity, and then Darren was taken off by one of the doctors. He must have been gone for about 30 minutes but again it seemed like a lifetime. We didn't know whether Simone or the baby had survived. I can honestly say I have never been more terrified. Eventually Darren returned with the doctor and they called us all in. It was explained that Simone had lost a significant amount of blood but was out of danger. The baby, however, had to be resuscitated for over 20 minutes. Simone had a placenta abruption and due to this the baby had been without oxygen. The paediatrician told us that he was in critical condition and was unlikely to survive. The lack of oxygen meant that he had certainly experienced a high level of brain damage. I remember feeling devastated and just wanting to make everything ok for him. I was also extremely worried about my sister who was still under anaesthetic and didn't know what was happening. I was so worried that she would not get to see her beautiful son. The paediatrician also told us that they wanted to move him over to a hospital which could provide specialist care and that as soon as they had a place they would move him.
We were allowed to see him with Darren. He was in an incubator and fitting profusely but it didn't take away how breathtakingly beautiful he was. I never expected to feel such a bond with him, but as soon as saw him my heart melted and I knew I would do anything for him. Quite simply I fell in love.
The next few hours were horrendous. Simone was told what happened to her son, but
thankfully she got to see him prior to them moving him to St Thomas'. They also named him Isaac Colin Smith. Darren
had left with Isaac, and my mum and I stayed with Simone. This was the longest
night ever, with phone calls back and forth between Darren and Simone to keep
her updated about Isaac and his treatment. Watching my sister have to do this and not be
able to be with Isaac broke my heart. We stayed up for the whole night, anxious
to hear about Isaac. When I think back
I honestly do not know how my sister got through that night. Thankfully Isaac continued to fight that night.
The next day my mum went home to get changed and I stayed with Simone and then we swapped over. It was thought that Simone would be at St Thomas' by early afternoon so I headed up to St Thomas' with my Aunt. Before I went up, I knew that I wanted Isaac to have a book that Simone and Darren loved, so I bought a copy of 'Guess how much I love you'. It was a message that I so badly wanted Isaac to know. When we arrived Darren was there with his mum and brother, both of which had driven up the previous night.
Darren and I went in to see Isaac. He was every bit as beautiful as I remembered. He was wearing his brain cooling suit and was hooked up to lots of machines. Darren encouraged me to touch and talk to him and so I felt how soft his skin was, was able to touch his little feet and tell him how loved he was. Over the course of the day I told him that his mummy was on her way, told him all about our family and willed him to keep fighting. Being in his presence was amazing; this little boy had completely captured my heart. Simone arrived on Saturday night, she still should have been recovering from the c-section and I could tell that she was in a lot of pain but she of course went straight to see her son. The rest of the family left the hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning. Sleep of course completely evaded us as all anyone could think about was Isaac.
The next day was spent spending as much time with Isaac as we could. Due to him being in the neo natal unit we were only allowed to go in two's, so I was generally with my brother and Darren's brother. We talked to Isaac, read to him and also continued to stroke him little feet and hands. I say little, but in reality Isaac was a tall baby, measuring 50 cm! His feet in particular were like my sisters, narrow and long, especially his toes! At one point when we put our finger to his feet and hands, Isaac's toes and fingers would curl round in a grip. It was an amazing feeling, and despite the doctors saying it was a reflex action I was sure that Isaac knew we were there. Simone and Darren spoke to the consultants again and were told that it still wasn't looking good and that in reality he may only have a matter of days. I just didn't believe them. I remember being with Isaac and Darren's brother, the two of us watching his brain monitor and both believing they had got it wrong. Isaac had been a miracle from the start, he had survived so much already and as long as he was still fighting I knew we had to fight with him.
That night as we left the hospital, all we could was pray that Isaac would continue fighting and that God would look after him. I kept in touch with Simone via text and again sleep was never going to happen. The next day was a big day for Isaac, it was his baptism. My brother, Darren's brother and I were all named as godparents, again I could not have been prouder. I knew that I would always look after and love this wonderful little boy, and that it was an honour to be part of his life. That day was also the day where Simone and Darren got to hold Isaac for the first time. I was incredibly pleased for them. That night was also when Isaac would have his brain cooling suit off. The doctors were not sure how Isaac would react, and we knew it was going to be touch and go as to whether he made it through the night.
I texted my sister early the next morning to see how Isaac was, she told me that surprisingly he had responded well!! I told her to tell him how proud I was off him and that I would be up soon to see him. When I heard that news I remember feeling like my heart was swelling I was that proud of him. It was a feeling that I had never experienced before and it took me completely aback, but in the best possible way.
When we got to the hospital they had taken Isaac for an MRI scan, this was to see the level of brain damage he had experienced. Results came back later that afternoon. Simone and Darren told us that the doctors had said that the results had shown that all parts of Isaac's brain had been severely damaged. They had stated that they did not expect Isaac to hold out for more than a couple of days. Words cannot describe how I felt. I couldn't believe what was happening and part of me still felt and hoped that the doctors had got it wrong. We obviously spent as much time as we could with Isaac that day. The rest of the family were also given time to hold Isaac. Holding him was one of the best moments of my life. I could have stayed like that for hours.
The next day we arrived at the hospital early in the morning. Simone and Darren took the whole family into one of those family rooms. Simone broke the news to us that it was expected Isaac would pass away today. He had been fighting so hard but ultimately this was wearing him out. Obviously no one wanted him to be in any pain or discomfort, but at the same time I desperately wanted the doctors to be wrong. I don't think I will ever forget the look on my sister’s face when she broke the news. Simone and Darren had decided that the family would spend time with him in the morning and then they would have the afternoon together, their little family.
Given that they had so little time with Isaac I was, and still am, beyond grateful that I was given that time with him. As I held him in my arms I knew this was going to be the last time. I so wanted to scream that this wasn't right, wasn't fair, but all I could do was make that time precious and let Isaac know how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, that he would be forever in my heart and that I looked forward to seeing him again when that time comes.
Isaac died on the 1st August 2012 at 6.56pm in Simone’s arms.
The next day my mum went home to get changed and I stayed with Simone and then we swapped over. It was thought that Simone would be at St Thomas' by early afternoon so I headed up to St Thomas' with my Aunt. Before I went up, I knew that I wanted Isaac to have a book that Simone and Darren loved, so I bought a copy of 'Guess how much I love you'. It was a message that I so badly wanted Isaac to know. When we arrived Darren was there with his mum and brother, both of which had driven up the previous night.
Darren and I went in to see Isaac. He was every bit as beautiful as I remembered. He was wearing his brain cooling suit and was hooked up to lots of machines. Darren encouraged me to touch and talk to him and so I felt how soft his skin was, was able to touch his little feet and tell him how loved he was. Over the course of the day I told him that his mummy was on her way, told him all about our family and willed him to keep fighting. Being in his presence was amazing; this little boy had completely captured my heart. Simone arrived on Saturday night, she still should have been recovering from the c-section and I could tell that she was in a lot of pain but she of course went straight to see her son. The rest of the family left the hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning. Sleep of course completely evaded us as all anyone could think about was Isaac.
The next day was spent spending as much time with Isaac as we could. Due to him being in the neo natal unit we were only allowed to go in two's, so I was generally with my brother and Darren's brother. We talked to Isaac, read to him and also continued to stroke him little feet and hands. I say little, but in reality Isaac was a tall baby, measuring 50 cm! His feet in particular were like my sisters, narrow and long, especially his toes! At one point when we put our finger to his feet and hands, Isaac's toes and fingers would curl round in a grip. It was an amazing feeling, and despite the doctors saying it was a reflex action I was sure that Isaac knew we were there. Simone and Darren spoke to the consultants again and were told that it still wasn't looking good and that in reality he may only have a matter of days. I just didn't believe them. I remember being with Isaac and Darren's brother, the two of us watching his brain monitor and both believing they had got it wrong. Isaac had been a miracle from the start, he had survived so much already and as long as he was still fighting I knew we had to fight with him.
That night as we left the hospital, all we could was pray that Isaac would continue fighting and that God would look after him. I kept in touch with Simone via text and again sleep was never going to happen. The next day was a big day for Isaac, it was his baptism. My brother, Darren's brother and I were all named as godparents, again I could not have been prouder. I knew that I would always look after and love this wonderful little boy, and that it was an honour to be part of his life. That day was also the day where Simone and Darren got to hold Isaac for the first time. I was incredibly pleased for them. That night was also when Isaac would have his brain cooling suit off. The doctors were not sure how Isaac would react, and we knew it was going to be touch and go as to whether he made it through the night.
I texted my sister early the next morning to see how Isaac was, she told me that surprisingly he had responded well!! I told her to tell him how proud I was off him and that I would be up soon to see him. When I heard that news I remember feeling like my heart was swelling I was that proud of him. It was a feeling that I had never experienced before and it took me completely aback, but in the best possible way.
When we got to the hospital they had taken Isaac for an MRI scan, this was to see the level of brain damage he had experienced. Results came back later that afternoon. Simone and Darren told us that the doctors had said that the results had shown that all parts of Isaac's brain had been severely damaged. They had stated that they did not expect Isaac to hold out for more than a couple of days. Words cannot describe how I felt. I couldn't believe what was happening and part of me still felt and hoped that the doctors had got it wrong. We obviously spent as much time as we could with Isaac that day. The rest of the family were also given time to hold Isaac. Holding him was one of the best moments of my life. I could have stayed like that for hours.
The next day we arrived at the hospital early in the morning. Simone and Darren took the whole family into one of those family rooms. Simone broke the news to us that it was expected Isaac would pass away today. He had been fighting so hard but ultimately this was wearing him out. Obviously no one wanted him to be in any pain or discomfort, but at the same time I desperately wanted the doctors to be wrong. I don't think I will ever forget the look on my sister’s face when she broke the news. Simone and Darren had decided that the family would spend time with him in the morning and then they would have the afternoon together, their little family.
Given that they had so little time with Isaac I was, and still am, beyond grateful that I was given that time with him. As I held him in my arms I knew this was going to be the last time. I so wanted to scream that this wasn't right, wasn't fair, but all I could do was make that time precious and let Isaac know how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, that he would be forever in my heart and that I looked forward to seeing him again when that time comes.
Isaac died on the 1st August 2012 at 6.56pm in Simone’s arms.
The neonatal unit did everything in their power to make sure
that Isaac’s time at St.Thomas’ was as comfortable as possible. The support they gave, and continue to give
Simone, Darren and the family can only be described as outstanding. Nothing is too much for these nurses, doctors
and counsellors. We will never forget
their compassion and care. It is for
this reason that I am taking on this challenge and hope that you will be able
to spare a few pounds to support this amazing children’s hospital.
There is not one day where I do not think of Isaac. When I do this jump I am sure he will be with me, experiencing every second. I love the thought that I am sharing this with him.
There is not one day where I do not think of Isaac. When I do this jump I am sure he will be with me, experiencing every second. I love the thought that I am sharing this with him.
If you would like to sponsor me as I jump out of an aeroplane and plumit to earth - please visit the fundraising page http://www.virginmoneygiving.com/flyingwithisaac
