Happy New Year to you all. May this year bring you much love, good health and happiness. I’m especially thinking about all those I know who are struggling with ill health, hardship or loss. They are painful journeys, but I hope 2019 will give you some light and hope.
I will be walking in to 2019 without two very important people beside me. They were two of the most loved people in my life. They fought hard; they made a huge difference to many people’s lives; and they have made me the person I am.
I started walking this path six years ago when I lost my much wanted and much loved son, Isaac.
This particular path has been rocky, enduring and full of twists and turns. At times, my feet have dragged. I’ve stumbled. I’ve fallen. I’ve been stopped in my tracks, many times. Why go on when the one person you want to share your journey with isn’t there? It’s been lonely and dark too, especially at the beginning. I was blinded by grief for a long time. I pushed people away. I didn’t want anyone else beside me. It felt like it would be easier just to stop rather than to carry on and take a step forward.
But I’ve found the strength to some how keep plodding along. At times I’ve seen light ahead of me. I’ve had help and support from people who’ve carried me on and led the way. They have been the light that has guided me through those dark days. They are my husband; my friends; my family; my doctors; my counsellors; my mum. And when they couldn’t help, I’ve resorted to using crutches at times to get me over a few bumps in the road. For a long time I refused these crutches, but eventually I accepted they’ve been needed, finally.
There’s even been moments of hope; the most important was when a rainbow appeared. Bright and beautiful, this aurora of colour has made the steps a little less painful and taught me to feel happiness again. Even when the sky is foggy and grey, this rainbow full of love and hope has been my salvation with it’s rays of colour shining through; leading me in the right direction. I owe this rainbow so much.
I’ve accepted that this particular path will never end and I will have to continue the journey along it forever. However, as I keep going I have found that there are now moments of happiness, exciting adventures and lots of smiles, despite what the path became six years ago. And when this path comes to an end, Isaac will be there too.
However, this year I’ve lost my most important guide along the way. The woman who has picked me up and held my hand many, many times. The woman who I turned to whenever I grew tired and weary. The woman who taught me to walk the path I’ve been given head on and keep going, no matter what. My mum.
There are so many times I have wanted to reach out to her when i didn’t know where to turn. I miss her telling me it’s all going to be okay, then pointing me in a clear direction. Mum was like my moral compass. She helped me learn to navigate my world and educated me in the right turns to make.
Mum is not here to help me finish this journey but I still hear her in all I do. I know that everything she taught me will lead me where I need to go. And I know she’s gone ahead to look after my boy.
So, I will walk tall in to 2019. I will continue to navigate through this journey I’ve been given, with it’s highs and very sad lows. And I will hold on to the rainbow, the light and the hope that I rely on to guide me in the right direction.
Whatever journey you are on, I wish you all a year that sees you finding light and hope where ever you can. And a year where you have the support and love of others to guide you through the good and not so good times.
Happy New Year. ❤️
