This year the world has had to learn to ride a tide of fear. The COVID-19 global pandemic has pretty much disrupted every aspect of our lives in the most unmanageable ways possible. For most, the fear has been caused by our inability to control, avoid or run away from this deadly virus which crept up on us, bringing isolation, anxiety and panic. And for others, Covid 19 has had devastating consequences. For these poor souls, their fears have been realised and it has resulted in tragic loss and trauma. It is sadly a fear that I’m familiar with. This emotion is one that has become part and parcel of my daily life. It is a feeling I’ve lived with for 8 years. And it started with Isaac.
I’ve lived in a cocoon for the past 5 months. Being a shielder has meant my family has had to lock ourselves away from everyone. For months we’ve been stuck within our four walls with no opportunities to see loved ones. It has been unbearable at time; and I have felt helpless and out of control often. I’m constantly worried about the wellbeing of family and friends, my rainbow child’s mental and physical health, as well my own. And most recently, feeling scared to go out. These emotions are not unique though. I have ridden this tide before. As a parent who has lost a child, these feelings are all too familiar. Fear and helplessness are not unique to this experience.
I’ve had these same ugly feelings of helplessness and fear before. They were present for every second of every day whilst Isaac was fighting for his life. I feared what would happen if he didn’t make it. I was terrified every time we were taken in to the ‘family room’ to hear the latest news on Isaac’s condition. I had a sense of overwhelming helplessness as I held my dying son. And then a raw, undiluted pain as he vanished from this life, marking the end of all hope. I knew my life would never be the same. I was scared of what it had become. I didn’t know how I would continue to live past this tragedy.
But I did. Not well at first. It took me a long time to pick myself up from this crash, but I eventually found ways to control that tide of helplessness and fear again. I got back on and continued to ride that tide, although this time I knew that at any point I could crash again.
So, how do you control the fear? The simple answer is you take precautions to protect yourself and those you love. You find ways to control everything within your power. From the most simple things like making sure I leave for work early so I don’t get stuck in traffic, to being a complete helicopter parent when it comes to my rainbow child. I need to know everything; from what she is doing when she’s in a different room from me to who the friends are she is playing with. It’s not healthy is it? And God forbid she gets ill! A temperature is enough to send my anxiety spiraling. This is why I need the control. The fear I have doesn’t wash away because my nightmares still exist.
In the weeks prior to the Covid 19 lockdown, those feelings of helplessness and fear began to resurface. I remember talking to my best friend each day, questioning why they hadn’t shut schools yet. We couldn’t work out why everyone else had been told to work from home, but we were still going in to large crowds of students each day. We took control of what we could. We disinfected our hands to the point they were red raw. We stopped going out anywhere bar work. We prayed, a lot. And the day I was told to shield I had a very brief moment of relief. Brief, because it quickly dawned on me what this would mean- isolation and lack of control. How would I get in food and supplies? Would my friends and family be okay? How would my daughter cope? These were only a few of the many things that became out of my control.
We watched the news briefings each day in despair at the numbers of deaths rising. I felt more and more helpless. And I could hear the same fear in the voices of those I spoke to. It actually bothered me more that my friends were so distressed. I knew I was a ‘nut job’ but what if my friends and family crumbled too?!? It occurred to me that the only way to cope and prepare for any crashes was to find the strength which had brought me through the worst before. I had survived the loss of a child. I could survive this.
I spoke to family and friends on the phone; I did online chats and encouraged Isla to do the same. I relied on my network of support, whilst trying to give comfort to those who were suffering and scared; urging them to ride this tide of fear because what choice did we have? It was the strength and love from those close to us that kept us upright, just like it did when Isaac died. In return, I tried to do the same for my loved ones. This time I could give back some of the strength and love I had too. Covid could not destroy that.
My grief has taught me a lot about fear. Much of what we worry about is out of our control. We can prepare for the worst but it won’t stop what’s coming. All we can do sometimes is reach out to others for support and check on those who could be sinking or have no anchor. The strength that got me through loosing Isaac is the same strength that helps us through times like this.
If that tide of fear comes crashing, the one thing we can rely on always is the strength of love and support of others. Only then can we ride that wave and know that if we crash we can still survive.
