The Six Days of Isaac. Day 2 – We wanted you so much

Darling Isaac,

That I was allowed to be your Mummy was the most precious and amazing experience.  Your Daddy and I were so blessed to have you. We had tried for so long for you and we couldn't have been happier when we were told the news that we were expecting. You see, it wasn't an easy journey. We faced a number of obstacles to conceive and carry you.

I suffer from Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have done since I was a teenager. When we decided we wanted to become pregnant, I had to come off all my RA meds. It would be too much of a risk to try and have you whilst on them. The only drug that could safely control the RA whilst we tried to become pregnant was steroids. Not a particularly nice drug to take, but so worth it if it meant we got to be parents.  So, the struggle to keep the RA under control began, and as months became years we realised that we weren't going to be able to become pregnant naturally. The RA was becoming worse, and I couldn't be on steroids indefinitely for much longer. It seemed that IVF was the only way to help us become parents.

The gruelling treatment was tough but seemed to be going well. Unfortunately it didn't work in the end, and we were gutted. Our consultant was optimistic though and made a few changes to the meds. So, four months later we were back cycling. This time I was convinced it wasn't going to work. My disbelief and shock continued even when we got the news I was pregnant.   We had success!  All those years of sacrifice had been worth it. However, despite those closest to us celebrating, I couldn't believe it had happened until I saw you for the first time.

I couldn't bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen until I heard the sonographer say 'there it is!’  You were amazing.  At seven weeks we saw you. You looked like a tiny bean with a wiggly dark line pounding away. The sonographer explained that wiggly line was your heart beating. That was the moment I realised you were real. This was actually happening. We were going to be parents! I gripped the scan photo tightly as I left the room and I held it in my hands until your image was safely stuck up on our fridge door. It was the first of many.

As the months past I became increasingly scared that something would happen to you. I was still terrified that it might not work out. The terror prevented me from being excited and I felt like a bad mother for feeling that way. It seemed too good to be true that you were really here and we would meet you soon. I still couldn't look at the scan images on screen until the sonographer confirmed you were okay.  I was so superstitious. I didn't want to find out if you were a boy or girl. I couldn't bring myself to pick out clothes for you. The idea of a baby shower even stressed me out! I was terrified I'd jinx this miracle I had inside me. It made me feel down and I couldn't seem to make others understand why I wasn't excited. I couldn't understand. I was scared we weren't bonding.

But we did, on an intimate level. I sometimes secretly talked to you.  I would tell you everything was going to be okay; we would be okay. You shared your likes and dislikes with me. You weren't a big fan of chocolate, much to my annoyance, and your taste in music was questionable!  Rizzle Kicks only needed come on the radio and there you would be bopping around to their music in my belly. I didn't even know the name of the band until I realised you liked them and looked them up on iTunes!  I downloaded their music on to my iPhone. I would get strange looks from people wondering why a '30 something' woman was bopping away to Rizzle Kicks in her car! Even now I sometimes listen to them because it reminds me of you. It's our little thing. Strangely enough, yesterday on our way to our little birthday picnic at St.Thomas’, we were playing your songs in the car.  Half way through your Rizzle Kicks favourite one of the largest butterflies I had ever seen flew by my window for a good few seconds.  I knew you were listening and enjoying your song!

Your Daddy was taken with you from the first instance. He didn't let me lift a finger the minute he knew we were pregnant with you. I seriously did nothing for 9 months!  Housework became a thing of the past! He would speak to you every day; his head by my belly, his hand stroking it. I joked that the ‘cutesy’ voice he put on was actually quite sinister, but you never seemed to mind and responded to him by kicking me in the bladder, often!  What an amazing man your Daddy is!  If you could see him now, and I'm sure you can, you'd be proud of him. He is doing everything in his power to raise money for the Evelina Children's' Hospital in memory of you. You’re Daddy has become a long distance runner!  He ran the Virgin London Marathon for you in April! With every step he took, I know he was thinking of you.  Since then he’s managed to raise even more money for the Evelina, and his aim is to buy the neonatal unit an Isaac NICU cot.  He will get there as he is determined, like you.  You’re both so alike in that way.  Your Daddy fights as hard as he can to show how much respect he has for the fight you gave to spend time with us. If you were here, he would have spoilt you rotten and taken such good care of you – I just wish he had had that chance.  I know he would have been an amazing Daddy to you.  Just from the way he took care of us before you were born proved it.  He still misses those little chats he had with you and the way you kicked my belly as he spoke. We both do my darling boy.

You were wanted, so very much. 

Until tomorrow.

Love always,

Mummy.  XxX